Jenna's War IV: Survivor
by RowenaR
Summary: 'Nobody said it would be easy.' - Still Captain Jenna Melara would like things to run smoothly just for once. But for now there's only lots of fighing and a battle for Naboo. Partly co-written with joustingforcancer. Ch. 4 added, complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Author:** Whee, me again! Jenna just won't stop pestering me until I have written down her full story...

**Summary: **"Nobody said it would be easy." - Still Captain Jenna Melara would like things to run smoothly just for _once_. But for now there's only lots of fighing and a battle for Naboo. Partly co-written with joustingforcancer.

**Category:** Angst/Drama

**Rating:** T, just to be on the safe side

**Disclaimer:** Okay, this is gonna be funny. Star Wars on the whole belongs to The Flanneled One. **But** Jenna and Danna were first introduced by joustingforcancer who was so nice as to lend them to me. Thank you.

**A/N:** Although this one is only partly co-written with joustinforcancer, it can still be seen a companion piece to his story "Soldier", just like "Screw Up", "Big Girl" and "Casualties". If you haven't read at least the latter (and yet better: all of them), things could be a little imcomprehensible for you. If you still want to read it and have questions, feel free to ask them. I'll try to answer them. And remember:

Feedback will earn you a cookie, flames will roast my marsh-mellows.

* * *

**Survivor**

"_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life."_

_The Fray, "How to save a life"_

**One **

„Echo 3, this is Red 1. Do you copy?" Mechanically, I raise my wrist and answer my comm.

"Red 1, this is Echo 3. I copy. What is it?" While waiting for the answer, I take a short look around. Debris is smoking everywhere, and small groups of medics are slowly walking through rows of injured soldiers, checking up on them, administering drugs, closing eyes…

"General Oreth orders you to a briefing on the _Warhawk_ in 20 minutes. There's already a shuttle waiting for you and the remaining officers on the ground. We will transmit the coordinates." Okay. Being briefed on the _Warhawk_ is one of the last things I want to do right now. I still haven't found out how many of my soldiers survived, who was injured, who got away unscathed.

Quite a number of heavily injured people are still awaiting transport. I need to find my platoon commanders and make sure there are enough down here to cover for me. I have a gunshot wound at my arm that's bleeding quite a lot. And a laceration over my right eye which is still continuing to obscure my vision. But those are really the least worries I have, and quite frankly I don't care if I ruin the_Warhawk_'s furniture by bleeding on it. No, I want to be down here and stay and make sure everyone of my remaining soldiers gets treated accordingly to their condition.

"Echo 3, the shuttle will be taking off in 5 minutes. Make sure you arrive there in time. The general made it imperative that all his officers over company level be there." I sigh and look around, finally seeing one of my platoon leaders, 1st Lieutenant Thuiv, a Rodian who's second youngest officer in the regiment. Three guesses who's youngest.

He catches my gaze and comes over. "Captain?"

Thu looks as worse for the wear as I, and he's also limping a little. I wish I could just send him off to the _Liberty_ with next available transport. "Oreth ordered me on the _Warhawk_. You're going to be acting company CO as long as I'm up there." I want to add "You okay with that?", but I can stop myself shortly before actually saying it. Took me long enough to learn to order people to do something, not just kindly ask them to.

He nods. "Yes, Ma'am. Anything else?" I want to shake my head, but think better of it in the end.

"Make sure you get that leg of yours treated soon. Wouldn't want to lose any more officers, would we?" Having to order people instead of asking them still doesn't mean not to take care of them. Which is one of my duties anyway.

He just nods and tips his head in answer. Nodding back, I turn towards the LZ of the shuttle. Forcing my tired and beaten body into a run, I just barely manage to catch it. Letting myself sink unto the last free seat, I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes. Good thing I have nothing to crawl behind now, like after the battle of the Xelric Draw. I'd be crying like a baby again if I had.

"Gentlebeings, I'm glad you could make it so fast." I wish Commodore Ichigan would just say what he wants from us. Because if he doesn't, I'm in grave danger of falling asleep on my very feet. Turns out, the briefing room on the _Warhawk_ the General ordered us in doesn't have any furniture apart from a big holo table, several marking boards and a few consoles without chairs before them. You bet it's just my luck that he picks the only ship in the fleet whose war room doesn't have any chairs.

"I have summoned you here because there's some really bad news." Ooooh, great, I just _love_ bad news! And anyway… I just went through a gritty and very bloody battle in the jungle and in urban surroundings, lost… oh… about half my company, saw one of my closest friends be practically fried by plasma grenade spray… I mean… how much worse can it get anyway?

"Ibit, would you be so kind?", the Commodore asks the Mon Calamarian aide behind him in a friendly tone, but everyone can hear the steel beneath it. When the Commodore asks something it's _always_ an order. The Mon Calamari just nods and presses a button on the remote control in his finned hand. Before us, a miniature picture of Naboo springs to live, complete with hovering big war ships and all the rest of the fleet around it. Obviously it's a real time picture.

Ichigan gestures towards the hovering globe with his finned hand and continues speaking: "As you can see, this is a picture of the situation around Naboo now. We have two war ships, one medical frigate and a number of smaller transports in the orbit, as well as troops on the ground. What some of you don't know is this:", he nods towards his aide again, and the camera zooms away from the globe to show a larger area of space.

And there, just on the edge of the view field, an alarming big cloud of red dots is hovering. As soon as it appears, a collective gasp is going through the row of officers surrounding the holo table. Commodore Ichigan points towards the cloud, and his warbles twitch with indignation as he speaks: "These dots you see here are the markings of a massive Imperial battle force heading straight towards us. We are lucky one of our reconnaissance fighters was able to get so far to gather this data because they are obviously planning a massive counter attack just when the fights on the planet have subsided. Ad-hoc analysis strongly suggests they will still do so. As for now, no signs of them having detected our fighter finding them are showing up, but this can change any moment. So…", his sweeps his gaze over everyone of us, as if assessing how we will react to his next sentence. "Any suggestions, gentlebeings?"

For a moment, the room is silent. Then, Borlin, by now a Major, clears up his throat and says: "There's only one possibility, sir: Immediate retreat."

Before he can say more, another Mon Calamari – the bars on her uniform identify her as a Captain, and the name tag says "Aaksam", which is the captain of the other warship, the _Lusla_ – raises her finned hand and says: "And abandon all those people to their fates? What kind of liberation force would we be if we let that happen?"

"Yeah, for you that's easy to say…" chimes in a rather mean looking Devaronian. I know him. Major Raal Sirra, CO of one of the other companies. Just can't never remember it.

Aaksam's warbles twitch, and even for someone not very accustomed to the behaviour of Mon Calamarians it's pretty easy to estimate that she is not happy at all at being interrupted by just about _anyone_, let alone an infantry grunt. "And why is that so, Major?"

I bet if Mon Calamarians had eyebrows, she'd be raising one of them expectantly now. But as it is, her big eyes just stare at Sirra, challenging him to answer something rash and stupid. I'd be, too, in her position. Sirra really isn't an easy-tempered person. "Because you are sitting up here in your little star ships, with your clean uniforms, never getting your hands dirty…"

"Major Sirra, I would appreciate it if you would not let inter-army differences cloud your judgement." The Commodore also turns his eyes to Sirra who for a moment is actually shrinking back from the almost piercing look. "There are far more important things than petty arguments of who gets the brunt of the fight. So, do you have anything more to say than unjustified accusations?" For a moment, Sirra's eyes glitter, and he blacks his impressive teeth.

But then I see Oreth slightly shake his head at the insolent Devaronian, and he shakes his head, murmuring a "No, sir." No one fails to notice that he didn't apologize either to Aaksam or to Ichigan, though. Sirra, one day you'll trip over your big mouth and will stumble right into shit so deep not even your horns will be poking up anymore.

What follows then is a battle of wills and of arguments, a battle of infantry and recons against fleet officers, a battle of higher ranking officers against lower ranking officers, and the only battle _I_ am fighting is the one against fatigue. Now that the adrenaline from the battle has fully dissipated and my wounds have really started to hurt – regardless of the fact that they had been dressed provisionally on the battlefield – I slowly start to lose the fight against just falling asleep right here and now.

Until a deep and commanding Mon Calamari voice suddenly says: "Enough. This debating will get us nowhere. We will vote now, and this will be a definite decision then." Oh, great, a vote! My poor battered and neglected Chandrilan heart makes a little happy dance at the suggestion of using democracy as a mean to decide something. If I wasn't just this tired… "So, everyone in favour of staying please raise their hand. Thank you. Now, please everyone who is in favour of leaving… Captain Melara?" I shake my head. I didn't just fall asleep, did I?

Throwing a look around tells me I very well might have. Everyone is throwing me either disapproving, pitying and/or spiteful looks. I clear my throat. "Yes, sir?" Ichigan sets his big eyes on me and I have the very feeling that he looks absolutely _pissed_.

"Your vote,_Captain_. Are you in favour of staying or leaving?" I gulp. Errr… Another look around. All those who want to leave still have their hands raised, and it appears as if there is a stalemate. Half of the officers are contra leaving, half of them are pro leaving. When I realize that my vote will be the one to decide over the fate of… countless of beings, I actually pray to the Gods for letting me disappear to some remote corner of the universe but as always the wish is not granted. Great.

Have to think now… staying… staying would mean the death of countless more of our troops, most possibly with the result of total annihilation of both the fleet and the infantry. Leaving… leaving would mean that we abandon the inhabitants of Naboo to an unknown fate at the hands of the Imperials. On the other hand… wouldn't it be even worse if we stayed? Wouldn't they have at least a chance of surrender if we left? I take a deep breath. "I vote that we leave, sir." Ichigan just nods, and the strained silence in the room seems to erupt into a chaos of voices.

But before the tiresome discussion from before can start again, Ichigan barks out a loud "Dismissed!" and I finally make my way to the exit. Sleep… sleep is just around the corner now… "That was a wise decision, Captain. But I can assure that it will cost you a few friendships you value." Or maybe not. I turn around. Amidst the leaving officers, Borlin stands before me, giving me one of these calculating looks that always makes you feel like the prey meeting its destiny.

But I've had it now. "Whatever you say, sir. I just want to remind you of the fact that my friendships are none or your business. If you'd excuse me now…"

"Oh yes, they are, if they consider my people. If I were you, I wouldn't speak to Sergeant Nalan for at least the next four weeks. And if you still do: Don't say I didn't warn you." And then he just gives me a nod and rushes past me. What the…? How dare he… The comm beeps again. Argh. Grumbling I take it out.

"Echo 3, this is Echo-Delta 1, do you copy?" Lieutenant Thuiv. What does he want now?

"Echo-Delta 1, I copy. What do you want?" I can't really understand him over a wave of static at first, but then it clears up again.

"We have a little trouble down here sorting out equipment issues… I recommend you come back down, ma'am." I sigh. Oh well. I'd would have had to go down anyway, to take care of the evacuation effort. And maybe I can clear up this whole "I wouldn't talk to Sergeant Nalan, if I were you"-thing while I'm at it.

"Acknowledged, Lieutenant. Please prepare everything for a rapid evacuation of all remaining personnel while I catch the next shuttle down. Echo 3 out."


	2. Chapter 2

**Two**

"Hey… you okay?" I cautiously approach him, stopping a few feet away from him. After Borlin's cryptic allusions, someone else already told me that a lot of the recon guys are pissed off at Borlin and just about every other officer for deciding to leave the planet, and for some reason I feel the need to explain. But it seems like maybe explanations are the last thing Korwin wants from me.

"What the fuck do you think… _Captain_?" Okay; I expected that from Tarkker, or Dankin, and all those other people who always thought I was nothing more than a whore in uniform. But definitely not from someone like Korwin; from someone whom I thought of as a friend. To hear him address me like that… with all that malice in his voice… it hurts. Maybe clearing up this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"You can still call me Jenna, you know?" Mh. That did sound a little too glib, even for someone who wasn't as volatile as Korwin could be when he is in a bad mood.

"Why should I call you that? You're not Jenna anymore, you're not one of us." One of us? Who's "us"? The Larrys? I was never a Larry in the first place. The enlisted men perhaps? Maybe I was never one of them either. The rebels? Well, the fact that I'm here in the first place should speak for itself.

Carefully, I take a seat on one of the stones opposite to him, which earns me another of those hostile glares a lot of people have been giving me lately. "But I'm still your friend, right?"

Oh dear; obviously the wrong thing to say. If eyes were blasters, I'd be dead by now. A thousand times over, I'd say. "Look… I don't want to talk to any of the Company COs, so I'll make it short: I ain't fuckin' stupid, and I know godsdamned well who tipped the scales in the end! And I think it was a fucking _stupid_decision! Does that answer your question?"

Whoever told Korwin that it was my vote which decided the whole thing will have to face a woman's wrath. And we all know what people say about that... hell hath no fury and all that. Because, really… I would have loved to have had the chance to explain without that additional burden. "Hey… uh… look… let me explain…"

He stops cleaning his blaster rifle and slowly lowers the weapon, looking me straight in the eye. I've seen this look on his face before, when he's got his war paint and gear on, ready for a mission. Actually, there are only a few situations that are more frightening to me, and they all involve a lot of screaming and explosions and stuff like that. "No, no, that's cool, Cap'n." He says in the relaxed, Celkan street drawl that comes so easily to both him and Azen, although it was generally not as pronounced in Korwin's speech. "You ain't wanna know what us li'l folk thought about it all before you made that decision; I could give a shit why you did it. Now why don't you jus' high-step on over to the Battalion CP Ma'am, before the other hotshot combat planners git to thinkin' that you's bein' exposed to the wrong element down here. After all, it might be bad for your career... Captain." He finishes with a sneer, almost spitting the last word out, and then resumes cleaning his trusty killing device.

He's done it again. Made my rank sound like an insult. What the hell is this all about? "Look, I just want you to understand…"

Another bad thing to say apparently, because he goes off like a plasma grenade. "I understand perfectly well that you and all your new officer friends are turning their tails and running because you're scared shitless!" Pitching his voice into a mocking falsetto, he squeals, "Oh fuck, the Imps are coming, let's get out of here before somebody gets hurt!" His voice dropping back to normal tones, he snaps, "Let's just ignore our duty, why don't we? You were right, Ma'am, you never were a soldier in this Army. Because if you ever had been, you'd have voted to stay and fight and protect these people, even if it was the last thing you ever did."

That was a low blow; I mean a really, really low blow; he knows well enough how I felt when I first came to K-Company and thought I couldn't cut it. I trusted him, believed him when he encouraged me. Stupid of me, really. "You know full well that it was the only possible decision we could have made. We've lost a lot of people here already… dammit, _you guys_ lost a lot of people. We could never hold Theed, or any of the other cities, against the masses that are about to come down on us."

"And so we leave all these people to defend themselves? Do you have any idea what's going to happen to them? They're going to end up fucking abused, pushed-down and poor, just like everyone where I grew up. The Imps are going to kill anyone they think helped us, and take everything from everyone else! That's what the powerful do to the weak, and it's the fuckin' same all around, whether it's the Empire, or the sithspawned Exchange!" Did I just step into a parallel dimension or something? Korwin Nalan talking to me like he would talk to the guys who usually end up at the receiving end of his fist?

"I know you're all kinds of furious and shit. But I'd like it if you didn't judge me like that. I'm from Chandrila, and I _know_ what Imperial occupation means, okay? You can't say the same." Step by step, I feel anger rising up, too. I mean… he's not been the only one fighting.

My body is a living testimony to that. My right upper arm is bandaged and hurts like hell because a piece of shrapnel got stuck in it. I could have bled to death if there hadn't been some quick nameless medic who was right there to take the shard of metal out and get the bleeding stopped. I've got a big blood-soaked patch right above my eye, which constantly reminds me of the fact that I would have lost the eye, if not for the luck intervening and causing me to hit the wall at just the right angle. And I have a thousand other bruises, scrapes and minor lacerations which are still continuing to seep through my jump suit.

"You don't know shit! You're just another rich kid who thinks she's had it rough, and feels like she has to be here to prove something. You'll probably be showing off your battle scars like new fuckin' shoes when you get back home, along with those shiny fuckin' captain's bars you ain't qualified to wear."

Okay, I've had it now. He wants to play rough? Fine, I'll give him something to think about. "I never wanted to be an officer in the first place, okay? But I am now, and I have a frigging responsibility to my people. K-Company wasn't even at half strength when we came here, and I lost twenty-three men, dammit! I have another ten in critical condition up on the _Liberty_." One of them being Xanas, but I don't even want to think about that right now. "The remaining fourteen just refuse to go see the medics. That's all that's left of my Company, Magic. I have twenty-four troops left. Twenty-frigging-four. You really think I want them to get slaughtered like all the others?"

I yelled the last part, and I really don't care anymore about decorum or dignity. He wants to talk about being a soldier, fine. Then I'll talk about being a CO.

"So it's only about your people, then? You only have a responsibility to your fucking people? What about that 'bigger picture' you officer's are always talking about? All that shit about 'fighting for those who can't fight for themselves' don't mean nothin' when push comes to shove, is that it? Honor, duty… all that shit's nothing to you. All of you." Is it just me, or has he completely lost his mind? What's so damn important about this planet that all of a sudden he's so reluctant to leave? He can't care that much about the population at large. The only thing he's ever cared about before was completing the mission, and getting his squad back alive. I mean… why am I doing this, anyway? This is a pointless argument.

"You really don't want to understand, do you? This damned well isn't just about my troops. If we stay here, the Imps will bombard this planet into a blackened little piece of celestial charcoal. But if we leave before they even get here, the people will have a chance to survive. And we save what's left of our own people. That _is_ the bigger picture. I thought that _you_ of all people would understand. You lost your sniper on Tatooine, and now you frigging lost Danna as well. You really want to lose Kierse and Azen, too? Because I promise you, if we stay here and try to repel the Imperial counterattacks from space, you _will_." By now, several people have stopped working and are openly enjoying the whole scene. Great. As if I didn't have enough on my plate already.

"What do you care about my people? What do you care about anyone's people? If it's true what everyone's saying then there's only _one_ "special someone" you care about…"

Okay. That's about enough of that. "If it's true what people are saying" my ass. That he's even been listening to that kind of stuff is already… shocking, to say the least. But having him use this in an argument against me… "You know nothing about me and my so called 'special someone'. This is so not anyone else's business anyway. And you obviously have _no_ idea what being an officer means. It's more than just fighting, dammit. Difficult decisions have to be made, and we're the ones who have to make them. When you're in command of a half-strength Company full that's three-quarters replacements, and you're leading them into a badly planned urban battle, you come back and tell me the same shit you said today." Straightening my fatigues, I snap, "This conversation is over, Sergeant. And I wouldn't recommend we speak anymore. After all, it just isn't proper for an officer to be fraternizing with a grunt."

Without waiting for Korwin's reply, I turn on my heel and storm away, trying to preserve what little is left of my dignity by not stumbling over the debris that's lying around. This is actually fairly difficult to manage when your vision is suddenly obscured by a mixture of tears, blood and dust.

* * *

I wish they'd finally get those bacta supplies they'd been talking about ever since we were on Hoth. Then I could stop worrying about how many of my people in ICU would survive. And if Xanas would be among them. But as long as they haven't arrived, I'm obviously doomed to sit here and listen to the beeping of the life-support machines, and the bustling of the Navy medical staff, and wave away the occasional Navy doctor who dares to suggest that I leave my men to change my bandages and clean up. As long as I can't be sure they're all gonna survive, I won't be leaving.

Apart from that, sitting on the _Warhawk_ and listening to endless briefings and debriefings while my people are still suffering would make me stir-crazy. I'd be constantly checking my comm unit to see if there were any messages, and always dreading the one in which they'd tell me that a certain Corporal Xanas Farrayn III didn't make it. So instead of being holed up on the ship they assigned the Company to, I'm sitting on the _Liberty_, in the ICU, curled up in a chair at Xan's bedside, surrounded by various stacks of data cards and waiting for… _something_ to change.

My eyelids are drooping for the hundredth time, when I realize that someone's just sat down on the other side of the bed. Now look who came crawling back. Sergeant Korwin Nalan. "Coming to gloat, Sergeant?" Not nice, I know, but I'm tired, my whole body is aching, I need a shower, and my heart is bleeding for the unconscious man in the bed before me. Besides that, I'd really meant it when I told him that I wouldn't recommend we speak anymore.

"Actually… I came to apologize." I blink. Apologize? Now, that's something new. For a guy, I mean. But I'll not make this easy, mister. Just you wait. I look at him, raising an eyebrow. "I… was being an asshole down there. I guess it was… uh… unjustified to jump at you like that." Uh-huh. And admitting you made a mistake is always harder than making the mistake itself, I take it? "I said some things that were… stupid. And… not true. And… I was being an idiot. I'm sorry." For the first time since I met Korwin "Magic" Nalan, over a year ago on the sands outside Mos Espa, he actually looks like the 18-year-old he really is. I guess in the end, owning up to our mistakes is a lesson that can't even be taught in an elite unit like Korwin's. He just needs a little practice... him and everyone else.

Not wanting to let him off the hook so easily, I close my eyes briefly and then look away from him, focusing my eyes on Xanas' limp hand on the incredibly white sheet of his hospital bed. So Korwin saw his mistakes. But there are still some things I'm wondering about.

Just when he's about to lose his patience and leave, I speak, softer than I had first intended. "I need to ask you something... do you really believe everything that people have been saying about me? That I don't deserve my rank, that I'm just a soft little rich kid who's playing at war to get some of her mother's glory?" And softer still: "That I've been whoring my way up the chain of command?"

I hear him trying to say something, but no sound is coming out. Finally, he settles for: "No. And you shouldn't even be giving that shit a second thought. I shouldn't have said any of that shit to you either, and for that I'm sorry." He pauses, shifting around in his chair, obviously trying to make me look at him again. But I just can't just yet. "And you were right about whatever it is between you and Farrayn not being of anyone's business. And maybe even about me being stupid about all this. Again: I was being an asshole."

I now concentrate on Xanas' ashen face under the breathing mask. "Abso-frigging-lutely right. Now… what are we going to do about it?" I'm so tired. All that fighting… all that blood and death… To be honest: All I want to do right now is curl up against a very awake, and very warm Xanas just like back on that cliff on Chandrila. I briefly close my eyes against the sight of him lying on the bed, struggling to stay alive, and bring my focus back to the present.

"We could… try to be friends. I know I can't make any of that shit I said go away, but I can promise you that I didn't mean any of it, and that I really do believe in you... I just... I have some personal investments here." He looks away for a moment... he hates for anyone to see him vulnerable. It doesn't go with the recon image. "So… friends?" he asks when he finally looks back at me.

It's so tantalizing; just give in, say yes, get this shit done with… yes, he said things that hurt. Yes, he maybe didn't understand a few things. But he's still one of the few people I can honestly call friend in this mishmash of sentience that calls itself an army. 'Sides, I'm really tired of fighting. "Yeah. But you gotta earn your redemption."

I manage to pry my eyes from Xanas' face and I turn to Korwin, who's grinning at me with those dark eyes lighting up and those white teeth gleaming against his almost ebony skin. I wonder if it's indeed a girl that ties him to Naboo, like Danna once hinted at... his own words moments ago seem to hint at that. If so, she must be head over heels for him.

"So we have a deal then? Fucking beautiful!" He's positively beaming. What a strange sight to see amidst all the death and suffering happening here on the _Liberty_. Rubbing his neck, he suddenly gestures towards Xanas, saying: "So… you and him… are you two actually…"

"No. Whatever you're hinting at, we're not. We're not an item, we're not 'friends with benefits'... and we weren't on Chandrila, either." Okay. That came out maybe a little too quick to sound convincing, but it's still the truth. I stepped on the breaks before it got too hot, and I still stick to that.

"He's still head over fucking heels for you, you know? The whole thing in the Xelric Draw, when they asked for volunteers to crawl into those narrow little tunnels with just a holdout blaster and night vision goggles? That's too fuckin' crazy even for a recon man."

"And he did it all for me. Yes, I've heard that as well. I just don't believe it. He wanted to prove himself to all of us, not just me." And prove himself he did over those weeks he'd spent as a tunnel crawler in the canyons and caverns of the Xelric Draw, during our final weeks on Tatooine.

Had to give him the promotion to Corporal, even though all I wanted to do was give him a good earful for all the grief he'd caused me. Really, I was in the middle of heavy fighting there, and all too often the only thing that was on my mind were the frantic pleas I was sending to the Gods to get him through all of that unscathed. Which, thankfully, they seemed to have heard. And then the Gods took their due from me on Naboo.

"No really, Mel, he's got it bad. The whole time you were off at OCS, all he did was bitch, bitch, bitch. He was a fuckin' rancor. Shit, if somebody started talkin' shit about you in front of him, they got lucky to get away with a black eye. Good thing for your man he didn't do a lot of socializing while you were away. He'd have been in the brig 24/7. I might have had to intervene on his behalf."

Korwin, I already know all this. I just wish it wasn't like that, though. I just wish he was indifferent to me or at least would see me as another of his comrades. And I just wish _I_ would see him as nothing else. What I say out loud though, is, "Truthfully, I actually wish Danna was here." His face falls momentarily, but he recovers remarkably fast.

"Uh… well… she is. You'll just have to do a lot of writing if you're planning on actually communicating with her." Now, that's the news of the day. Why didn't anyone tell me that Danna was here before? Uh… maybe because I didn't ask.

"She's here? But they said…"

"Yeah, she'll get a discharge. But only at the next safe stopover. Until then she'll stay here on the _Liberty_. You want me to bring her here?"

You still gotta ask, mister? Of course. "Yeah, sure. If she wants, that is. Could you just… Do you still have time enough to fetch her?"

He winks at me while throwing me a slick grin, and runs a hand over his cornrows in a gesture of consummate smoothness. "Don't ask if you can order. You's a Cap'n now." He drawls. Against my will, I actually have to smile a little. Even at a joke that's aimed at one of my weak spots.

"Fine. Bring her here, Sergeant, on the double!"

He grins again and stands up, tossing a lazy salute my way. "Yes Ma'am." He turns and saunters from the room, leaving Xanas and I alone again. Who would have thought that I could actually feel a kind of peace after everything that had happened on Naboo?

* * *

**A/N: **So here we are. Back from the skiing vacations, I realized I haven't up-dated this in quite a while, but here it is. This is the part where joustingforcancer helped, and I'm still very grateful for him doing that because he can write Korwin much better than I can. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Three**

I wish they could have stayed a little longer. Because then I wouldn't have to be alone with Xanas and all the other intensive care cases again. But as it is, Danna and Korwin had to leave sick-bay and couldn't pull rank like me. So now I'm sitting here, curled up in the same chair, with the same stacks of data cards around me and still staring at Xanas' unconscious form and occasionally dozing off. 

Well, there's one quarrel resolved, alright, but another is still pending. And it's making me practically insane. Even now my thoughts drift back to it while my sight blurs. 

_And yes, I'm back on the_ Warhawk, _just a few days after leaving Tatooine. I'd just been done with getting all my files up to date and had started to write the Letters. But it took me only three of them to be in serious need of a break. So I called it quits for a while and headed for the ship's mess. Before I got there though, I nearly stumbled over Xanas talking to some guys from his platoon. _

_When I arrived, they'd already been in the middle of a conversation, and from the sound of it, it was a very heated one. One of the guys was telling Xanas in no uncertain terms what an idiot he was, and Xanas had been shouting back that his life was the business of no one but him. Then the other guy said something and suddenly Xanas grabbed the man's collar and shoved him into the nearest corridor wall. That was the moment I decided to step in._

_Without waiting I yelled over the last remaining meters between us: "Stand aside at _once, _Corporal!" In an instant every one of them was standing at attention, even Xanas. In a corner of my mind I registered that I actually felt smug about that. Well, about time they started to realize I was their commanding officer. _

_When I arrived at the scene, they were still standing at attention. I positioned myself in front of Xanas and said: "Care to explain what just happened here, Corporal?" For a second it looked like he was about to give me some insolent thing back, the same he had done on every other occasion since our meeting in the brig. _

_But then he just stayed with: "Private Jenos was making a derogatory remark about a… a comrade. Ma'am." He's obviously still having problems with the whole "Ma'am."- and "Captain."-thing. Not my problem, though. He chose to be the moping git after Chandrila, not me._

"_Is that true, Private Jenos?" _

_The private, a man in his thirties with pale blue eyes and usually a pleasant smile, just shrugged and said: "Sure, ma'am. The corporal here just overreacted." I gave him a cold gaze. _

"_I wasn't asking you about how you judge Corporal Farrayn's reaction, Private. However… is Private Jenos right in his assumption, Farrayn?" I didn't quite know if I imagined it but for a moment it looked as if Xanas had been cringing at my calling him by his last name._

_He was still standing at attention, like they all were and I really hoped they would realize I was doing this intentionally. This whole thing started to piss me off, and not only because I was starting to feel cabin fever coming up. For a full 30 seconds, none of them said anything. Then Xanas ground out: "Yes, ma'am."_

_It surprised me a little, but I had finally started to learn to deal with things like these so I managed not to let the surprise show too much. "Fine. Apologize to Private Jenos. And come to my office at 2000. _Sharp._ Did I make myself clear?" I could see it working inside his head. His jaw was really clenching, and it seemed as if the hard edges of his face were more prominent than ever. He looked pretty angry to me. In that moment I was not only slightly annoyed but started to become really cranky about the whole situation._

_He nodded. "Yes, ma'am." When I raised my eyebrow and looked over to Jenos, he held out his hand. Only after the same look for Jenos, the private took Xanas' hand and shook it. I swear, I wouldn't have been surprised if I'd seen smoke coming from the handshake. So ridiculous, really._

_When they were done I told them they were dismissed. The three other soldiers went away, but Xanas stayed a fraction longer, and stared at me defiantly. That was where I finally had had it. I grabbed him by his arm, dragged him to the nearest storage closet and shoved him inside. _

"What_ is the frigging matter with you, Corporal?" I hissed, and his green eyes glittered with defiance in the half dark of the closet. _

"_None of your business, _Captain_." Even then he still managed to make the rank sound like an insult. But I really had had enough of that as well._

"_Oh yes, it frigging _is_. Because I'm_making _it mine. I'm _sick _of having to drag you off comrades or listen to your platoon leader whining about you or worrying myself to death about y…" Only then I realized what I'd just said. I'd accidentally told him that I'd been worrying my head off every time he'd gone down those tunnels and had hunted stormies only with a holdout blaster and a pair of night vision goggles. _

_For a few moments it was silent in the room, apart from our ragged breathing. Then he did what he really likes to do in these situations: He bent down to kiss me. But just for once I managed to step aside. I took a deep breath and did something I knew I didn't want but had to do. I said: "No. We can't, Xanas." _

_The old fury immediately was back in his eyes, and I was so sick of that as well. "What, because you got a sweetheart somewhere out there? Scuttlebutt has it…"_

"_Scuttlebutt can kiss my pretty lily _ass_!" He stopped dead, and his eyes grew large as saucers. As must have mine, because neither of us had anticipated _that_. But he caught himself amazingly fast._

"_Well, the way I heard it someone else already did that. Or, well, rather kissed the…" My hand was faster than my head this time and the sound of it hitting his cheek could be heard. In that moment I was ready to jump him and beat him to pulp, but disciplined officer that I tried to be I just stood there and glared at him._

"_Stop this frigging nonsense. Yes, I did not live a celibate life at OCS. But none of us did. What happened at OCS stays at OCS. And you have _no _right to question _any _of my decisions." _Then why am I standing here, trying to justify them?_, I thought but pushed away the thought at once. _

_The room was very silent for a whole minute and Xanas' face was closing off. In the moment I'd finally started to think that he would just turn to the door and leave without another word, he looked again, this time with something like pain on his face. "How did we come here, Jenna? How did we end up like this?"_

_I looked at him, wanting so say _something_, but unable to do so. Nothing that came to my mind seemed to be appropriate. I so wanted to just walk up to him, hug him and tell him how much I'd missed him, but I also knew that it would eventually lead to something else, and I didn't want that. So in the end, I drew several breaths and finally left it at "I'm… sorry." and left the room without ever looking back._

_We didn't talk much after that, probably mostly because we both knew that if we did we'd either destroy what fragile band was still between us or would arrive at a point of no return and would compromise both our positions by being all over each other in an instant. Somewhere along the way we'd forgotten how to act as simple friends._

I hear someone coming up behind me and scramble up to a more dignified position as the Navy nurse rounds the chair to stand before me and throw me dagger looks. Without preamble she shoots out: "I've had it now, Captain." She's a Devaronian, and her devilish looks only add to her annoyed look. 

But I manage to only raise an eyebrow and say: "You were saying?" For a moment it really looks like she's about to bend down and tear a piece out of my arm with her sharp fangs, but obviously she can stop herself.

"What I meant was: You can't stay in here as long as you want, and most of all not looking like this." Still acting like I'm not impressed at all – and quite frankly, I'm at a point of fatigue were it's really not that hard to pretend to not be bothered by anything – I throw her a semi-interested look.

"What do you suggest instead, Master Chief?" She's trying very hard not to let my behavior get at her, and I do respect her for that. I bet I'm not the first patient to treat her like she's a nuisance to try and get her to leave me alone.

"How about having a shower," at this she throws a fresh Infantry ship uniform at me which _does_ surprise me, "getting your post battle physical and then leave my ICU and get some sleep in some cabin on some other ship?" 

I look past her, and I bet it only annoys her more. But I have to think. I'm still wearing the fatigues from the battle down on Naboo, and the provisional bandages covering part of my head and my arm are really… not the cleanest anymore. Plus my whole body feels like it was rolled down a hang, and repeatedly at that. I've been dozing off for a few times now, and I really should find a better place for doing the paper work. All good and solid reasons for taking her offer – or rather, her order, but there's still one thing overruling them all: I have still soldiers here. Or, well… _one_ soldier in particular. 

And I simply refuse to leave his side. Something is gluing me to his side, and it feels a lot like guilt, hurt and a good load of anxiety. I sigh and focus on the nurse again. "All right, fine. I accept. On the condition that you let me stay here after the shower and the physical. _No_ discussion, Master Chief. It's either that or the filthy Captain continuing to stain your pretty sparkling white ICU." Sometimes – all right, a _lot_ of times – I'm still surprised at how easy acting like a conceited bag of officer badness comes to me when I need it, even after such a short time.

She looks at me, obviously trying to stare me down, but I've said it before: Up to this point I just went through too much things to let myself be intimidated by a simple nurse. Even if nurses _can_ be pretty scary. When I return her stare only with a look of bored contempt, she finally grinds her teeth and says: "Fine, Captain. But the Commander will hear about that. Don't expect her to be particularly careful when she's giving you the physical." I only shrug. Lieutenant Commander Arivan can prod and poke all she likes. It's not like Infantry medics aren't anything else than butchers, and I'm used to _them_.

With that I finally get up – hoping the strain I'm putting on my abused body doesn't show in my face when I do it – and make my way to the next 'fresher unit. 

* * *

It's taken me another hour at least to get through the shower – I never knew having a simple shower could be so exhausting – and Commander Arivan's physical, and now I'm back at where I used to sit ever since I got to ICU: at Xanas' bedside, still surrounded by other berths – most of them empty now, but still three of my other soldiers are lying here, waiting to get their share of bacta treatment – and the data cards and everything else. My bandages are clean and safely in place now, laced with bacta to speed up the healing process, I don't smell like something out of the sewer anymore and I look and feel overall human again. 

I even feel a kind of satisfied bed heaviness, but I know that even if I would lie down in a real bed now I still couldn't sleep. Every time I look at Xanas' ashen face under the breathing mask I'm reminded of what happened down on Naboo, and I know I won't stop thinking about that as long as he doesn't finally wake up again, because I don't want to go on without this whole issue cleared up anymore. I don't want to have to go on without telling him how much I missed him, how much he still means to me and how sorry I am for everything that happened.

And so I look at him again and am back in the woods around Theed City, when we were making the final offensive. 

_Ever since that talk in the closet there had been some kind of professional distance between us. The iciness and underlying accusations were gone, but what had followed hadn't been any better. We'd really only been soldier and CO ever since that and we'd rarely seen each other. He'd stopped being a troublemaker but whenever I saw him I could see that he wasn't getting along well with his platoon mates. He'd just stopped beating them up and started to go his own ways instead. He'd played his part in the platoon, even took over the command of a squad Thuiv had given him and carried out all his duties with care and dedication but something just was… _off

_And me… I'd been doing the same, I guess. Being a CO, making training tables, yelling at people when they needed to be yelled at, being sociable with other officers… But something was off as well. I noticed it when I was sitting over my charts and tables and records late at night and no one came by to tease me about it. I noticed it when I supervised my company's training and he would just look at me like he would look at all superiors: With a mix of professional respect and a good deal of "Fuck you."-attitude underneath. _

_Then the order for Naboo had come, and we'd boarded a ship again. We'd been good little soldiers, doing what they'd wanted us to do. Which, in our case, was to back up the operations of the larry squads by taking down whatever had survived their needle work by blunt force. So they'd deployed us a few miles from Theed City, into a forest. K-company had been off bad from the start with only a part of their strength and the equipment faulty and old. But I did my best to lead them through action, and for the first two or three miles we were as good as the circumstances allowed us to be._

_But then it got ugly. Some stormies we'd been chasing had trapped us in some thicket and had ambushed us there with plasma grenades, concussion grenades, e-webs, snipers… the whole nine yards. They killed three men in the first wave and injured another twelve. I had only two medics, so I ordered everyone who wasn't needed to shoot back and had at least marginal first aid training to get the wounded to some safer place further back. We'd been shooting and trying to get the stormies, but they continued giving heavy fire. _

_I still don't know how it had been possible but out of some miracle suddenly M-company arrived and gave the stormies hell. We'd nearly gotten them all when suddenly a concussion grenade landed only meters away from me. Shrapnel was flying in every direction and some shards got stuck in my right arm. I was really lucky that it hit only the arm but it bled like there was no tomorrow. Only a few moments later one of M-company's medics was beside me and got the biggest shard out and bandaged the arm as best as she could. I refused to look at it and continued to yell orders around and shoot at the occasional stormie, mostly to keep from fainting. I'm a little squeamish when it's about my own blood, and a CO fainting from some little bleeding right in the middle of a battle? Not what I would call very dutiful. _

_And as fast as the medic had been there she was away again. The fire from the stormies got lighter and we started to move again when another grenade hit one of the foxholes beside me. I got away without a scratch this time, but over the still ongoing battle I suddenly heard a very familiar voice cry out in pain. _

_I know it was stupid and uncalled for and just plain idiotic, but I acted purely on adrenalin and fear. I darted out of my own foxhole and crawled towards the one beside the one with the grenade. Inside a lone soldier was lying curled up and sobbing like a child. All around me the fight was raging on, because a new battery of stormies had appeared, but I didn't care. All I cared about was the soldier in the foxhole. Xanas. _

_Xanas was lying there, several parts of his BDUs singed and tinted with the hot blue plasma of the grenade. He was clenching his rifle in agony, whimpering… crying out for his mother. It was Tarkker all over again, and he wasn't some bastard but someone who used to be my best male friend. For a few vital moments I was practically paralyzed, and only the Gods know how I survived that. _

_When I recovered I crawled down the foxhole and crouched down beside him. I swallowed and then said almost too softly to hear about the roar of battle: "Xanas? It's me. Jenna. You still lucid enough to recognize me?" I _know_ that this was one of the most stupid questions I could have asked but I thought he was going to die and all of a sudden I practically _needed _him to know that it was me beside him. I still had to fight the memories of Tarkker's death._

_He looked at me, his face strangely unmarred and rasped: "Yeah. Jenna. The Captain. Didn't want to kiss me." I'd already felt the tears coming up, but that comment was so… absurd it made me laugh and cry at the same time. _

"_That's right. I'm the one. And I… I order you to survive this. You hear me?" Somehow my hand had found its way to his shoulder and I squeezed it with all I had left. In that moment the only thing I wanted for him was to survive. Without thinking I ducked shrapnel and crossfire, my thoughts only on the suffering man before me._

_A raspy laugh escaped his throats, followed by wheezing and puffing and choking. "You can't… solve… everything… with orders. Captain." Another situation suddenly came to my mind. Tatooine, when I'd found him after the box crash, when half his body had been burned. He'd survived that. He'd survived that, and he'd survive this, I swore to myself._

_With a grunt I tore out my bacta shots and rammed them into his body, growling: "Watch me, Corporal." He said nothing, only jerked at every shot and continued his wheezing breathing. When my shots were through, I was about to pack out the bacta packs when his breathing suddenly started to become shallow. Panic rose inside of me. _

_It was ridiculous, really. I was in the middle of a battle. We were outnumbered, outgunned and in seriously dire straits. I'd kept a clear head when the ambush had started, and I'd kept a clear head when some shrapnel nearly tore away half of my arm, and I'd kept a clear head when… well, you get the picture. But there I was, in a rotten foxhole with a lone dying soldier, and suddenly I started to panic. _

_Without thinking I grabbed him, holding his head tightly to my chest and calling frantically for a medic. In between the calls I shouted at him, mostly "Don't you dare__die on me. Don't you _dare_. Not before I have the chance to apologize. Don't die, you fucking sodding bloody bastard of a motherfucking kriffing bloody soldier who was too fucking stupid to bloody keep from being hurt by a fucking plasma grenade!"_

_I held him and hugged him and cried like mad, ignoring the battle and the screaming and the pain in my arm. The pain in my heart was much bigger anyway. And suddenly another soldier came crawling into the foxhole, with his medical supply mostly full and pried Xanas from my hands. I still don't know where he came from, but he worked very careful and exact and it was only a matter of minutes that Xanas was stabilized enough to be sent back to the medic boxes and up to the _Liberty

_The nameless medic told me that he couldn't make any guarantees and that it was very likely that Xanas would die on the way up to the _Liberty_, but I simply refused to hear anything of that. The only thought that kept me going on to Theed City and lead the remainder of my company in the urban battle that followed was that I knew that Xanas was out of the line of fire._

And now I sit here, and he's still lying there, all still and ashen and not the man I used to know. He'd been hurt badly before, but there'd always been enough bacta to cure him very quickly and he'd been his usual annoying self again very fast. But now… There'd been so many wounded and he'd been low priority because out of some miracle he had still been stable when they'd arrived at the _Liberty_ so the triage team had placed him in need of intensive care, but very low on the list of possible bacta receivers. 

I take a look around me. The ICU is pretty much abandoned, apart from one nurse who's keeping watch at a desk a few beds down the aisle, reading some holozine or other and generally not paying any attention at all. Apart from that… nothing and no one around. I look at his hand again. And for the first time since I've been sitting here I put my hand on his. It feels so… cold. So limp. I still squeeze it very lightly. 

After a moment something I hadn't done properly ever since the talk in the closet comes very easily to me. Talking to him. "Hey… I don't know if you can hear me or anything… but for what it's worth… I missed you. And I… will seriously hurt you if you don't pull through this. I mean it. It's a promise. Do anything else than wake up and be annoying Xanas again and you'll be in deep shit." 

I take a deep breath. Maybe not the best way to talk to a guy in coma. Would be just my luck if somewhere inside there in his head he _could_ hear me and decided to stay comatose for another few weeks just to annoy me. "Okay… that came out wrong. What I meant was: I didn't pull this ridiculous stunt in the foxhole for nothing. I want you to get through this so I can tell you that I still care about you and that I still want us to be friends. And that I missed you. I _know_ I'm starting to sound redundant, but I frigging did. I _missed_ you. I _still_ miss you. I…" 

Suddenly my vision is blurred and I need a few seconds to realize that the reason for that is that I started crying. Half annoyed I try to wipe away the tears and clear my vision, but they just keep coming. I can't help heaving a deep breath and letting out a small sob. And another. And another. My hand lets go of Xanas' hand and I curl up in the chair, trying to hide my face and muffle the sobs so the frigging nurse won't notice I'm having a bit of a nervous breakdown. The last thing I need now is some other stupid nurse hovering around me and threatening to throw me out of ICU.

Well, maybe the last thing apart from starting to cry and being unable to stop. What the fuck is happening with me? I thought I had… I thought I did… Oh Xanas, just wake up, will you? This is all happening because of you. No, nothing to do with my tendency to cope with stress and tension and exhaustion by crying. I swear. It's only you. You and your stupid stubbornness. You're doing this just to annoy me. I _told_ you not to pull stunts like that and you… you just…

I heave another sob. In the meantime I'm at a point where I finally stopped caring about _anything_ else apart from the guy in the bed beside me and I put my arms on the edge of his bed and put my head in my hands. Everything comes back in a rush now, the battle in the woods, the dread and fear and pain while holding an unconscious Xanas in my arms, my frustration at the fight with Korwin… just everything from the past weeks and months. How I wish he would just wake up now and take me in his arms. Regardless of what happened between us and how much strange tension there was, he always was the one who could calm me down best. 

And now he's lying here and I'm… I'm so incredibly tired all of a sudden. Hurting so much and so tired… the last thing I do consciously is putting my head on my arms and crying in ragged little sobs. After that… only graceful oblivion surrounds me.

* * *

**A/N: **Well, there's the next chapter. You know... No, I won't write that. I guess, everyone knows the drill already, so... well. 


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Um. Yes. Well. It's been a while since I updated this and it's been _ages_ since I finished this story. I just never got around posting that final chapter. But **ElizabethBartlett** found the _Jenna's War _and left some really great reviews so I thought I owed it to her to finish this :) Just for the record: yes, there's more lying around on my hard drive and the idea of letting Jenna a Star Wars canon character sounds... _awesome_. I'll see what I can make with it :D

* * *

**Four**

"Jenna?"

A muffled and raspy voice wafts by my ear, but I pretend not to hear it. Just let me sleep, will you?

"Come on, Jenna. You can't…" A cough, sounding not really healthy. "You can't be asleep. Not… with your head… bent like that."

Instead of a coherent answer I just turn the head and grunt something unintelligible. Can't a girl get her beauty sleep anymore?

"Jenna… I'm not… come on, stop pretending. Nurse told me…" Another cough. "Told me not to overexert myself. So… come on. Rise and… shine." Now something has started to tickle my arms as well. I want to evade it, but then I realize that it's a hand… a… hand… With a start I jerk up. And shut my eyes instantaneously. Frigging blaring ship lights. Hasn't anyone here heard of something called a dimmer?

"That's it. I knew you'd… come around." Slowly I open my eyes, one after the other, and this time adapting to the lights in ICU isn't half as painful. What is hurting _now_ is practically everything else. My entire body aches from sleeping in a totally unhealthy and awkward position, and I just _bet_ my face looks exactly like it feels. _Awful_.

Grimacing I turn towards his face. "Mornin', Sleeping Beauty. Well… okay, only Sleeping." I grunt.

"The only thing keeping you from getting hit is the fact that you're banged up enough as it is." Funny how easy suddenly bantering seems to be. How easy it suddenly seems to forget what had happened and that we'd called each other Captain and Corporal only a few hours ago.

"Oh, you know me. I can take… pretty much." I take a deep breath. Yes, he can. Or else he would've never survived that hit down on Naboo. But before I can answer, the Devaronian is back again.

"Nice of you to join us in the Land of Living again, Mr. Farrayn. Will you _now_ leave my ICU, Captain?" Whoa missy, who gave you that "Throw out Captain Melara in under one second" superpower and the attitude to go with it? But I've got some attitude as well. Just you wait.

"Maybe if you ask me _nicely_ again, _Master Chief_." Good thing I had two platoons and recruits like Xanas to perfect my icy superior officer look.

"I really don't need to…" What the…? Do I really look like I take any crap NCOs throw at me? And _Navy_ NCOs at that. I stand up and am at least eye to eye with her. Time to master the skill "towering over others, even if you're actually smaller than them".

"_I_ really don't need to listen to you, Master Chief. You're just lucky I happen to be a little hungry so I'll go and hunt some food down. And as an advice: don't _ever_ cross my way again or _I_ will have a lot of fun. Understood?" She grits her razor-sharp teeth, and I can practically see the officer-hate welling up inside her, but in the end she just nods.

"Yes, ma'am." With that she turns and leaves, probably to bitch about snappy Infantry woman soldiers harassing hard working sick bay personnel or something. I turn back to Xanas, who's actually displaying an amused smile on his haggard face.

"And what are _you_ grinning at, soldier, huh?"

My tone belies the stern words, and he doesn't take offense, just says, "It's nice to see you… snap at others… for a change, Captain." This is the moment I so very much want to tell him I want to take back all those things I hurt him with since Chandrila, how much I missed him… but in the end I just can't.

For some reason sick bay suddenly seems to be a location far too public for such personal admissions, so in the end I just grin and say, "Don't give me reason to snap at you and I won't. Be good, Corporal, and do everything the lovely Master Chief tells you to do." He still looks so frail and exhausted I just can't resist the wave off the pity that hits me and can just barely turn the kiss I want to give him on the forehead into ruffling his hair affectionately before finally leaving sick bay for my cabin on the _Warhawk_.

* * *

Something's ringing through the darkness that surrounds me. Something very, _very_ annoying. I grunt and turn away from the ringing sound, but it just doesn't stop. Groaning I grab my pillow and pull it over my ears to keep away the noise, but it doesn't really help. I grunt again. Now I'm partially awake anyway. Turning over again, I try to feel my way around and promptly land on the floor. Now grumbling I try to get up in the absolute dark and make my way to my console, which seems to be the source of the terribly unnerving ringing sound.

When I finally find the button to light up the console I find the source of the ringing as well. My damn built-in comm. Argh. Frustrated at being woken up, I hit the answer-button, and immediately a miniature version of Major Indrakh's face appears in the air before me. Oh great. I _bet_ he'll dress me down now for missing some stupid totally unimportant memo about recruits' quarters or something I missed while being on the _Liberty_. Oreth's XO is exactly that type of anal stupidity. I brace myself.

But what comes then is miles apart from what I expected. "Ah, Melara, good thing you're on the _Warhawk_ again. You're a native of Chandrila, right?" He doesn't wait for my answer. And why should he? He's most probably got my records right in front of him, the prick. "Good thing, because General Oreth wants you ready for a briefing about our next target in twelve hours. Until that, you're on down time, but make sure you read the info I already sent you to your data pad before the briefing." Idiot. As if I ever came to a briefing totally unprepared. Okay, I didn't read _all_ the information before some of them. And okay, sometimes it was the _important_ info I didn't read, but really…

"Yes, sir. Will do, sir." Why some people like to hear a "sir" or "ma'am" accompanying _every_ answer of their subordinates is _way_ beyond me but maybe sometimes you just don't need to understand _everything_ and just do what they want from you. Makes a lot of things a lot easier.

And yes, he just nods and says, "Indrakh out." Grumbling, I shut down the console again and try to feel my way to my bed again. I _know_ I could just turn on the lights, but I just don't feel like light right now. Besides if I don't turn on the lights I can still pretend that this was a dream and sleep for at least another ten hours.

But just when I made it back to my bed – not without bumping into one thing or the other – I hear a knock at my door. I groan again and mumble, "Go away," but there's another knock. And another, a little more urgent this time. I contemplate not opening, but then again… could be something important. Could be one of the LTs telling me something serious happened or… Another knock. GODS!

Grumbling and stumbling through the cabin I finally reach the door and open it. Thankfully the lights in the corridor are dimmed down but it still feels like someone stabbed me in the eye after the complete darkness of my cabin, which is why I recognize the figure standing before me only after he speaks up, "You know you're doing quite an awful lot of sleeping, Captain Melara."

I roll my eyes. "What do you want, _Corporal _Farrayn?" I can barely make out the smirk on his face when he answers because I still have to blink against the corridor lights from behind him.

"Oh, so we're back at Captain and Corporal now?" Where the hell is this going? Does he even have a point?

"_You_ started that nonsense. Now… you got anything important or can I go back to sleep again?" Seriously, I'm starting to get pissed off again. I haven't had a proper night of sleep for at least five days now and I feel like I need another ten hours and _I want to get back to my frigging bed, dammit!_

He takes a deep breath, wants to say something, stops himself… and then finally says, "Why do we always end up fighting these days, Jenna?" I want to say something, but he beats me to it, "All I came here for was… I… I just wanted to see you and tell you I'm okay and I just… I'm… I think I should better go now."

Suddenly he looks very young and very forlorn. Not like the cocky bastard who used to be a pain in the neck or the charming lady killer he could be when he wanted to be… not even like the cold, cynical man he'd turned into after Chandrila. It makes all my frustration evaporate in moments, leaving behind only weariness and the urge to make the sadness in his face go away. And then it feels like a dam is finally broken and I can't help drawing him in and hugging him and telling him, "It's okay, Xan. I… missed you."

For a moment nothing happens, and I'm afraid he's going to draw back from me, but then I feel him enveloping me and hugging me like his life depends on not letting go. The door has automatically closed and we're standing in complete darkness again when he finally starts speaking. "I missed you, too. Force only knows how much I did. I went through hell when you were at OCS. I went through hell the day you came back and dressed me down in that tent. I went through hell when I lost your sight in the Xelric Draw. I…"

I try to hug him closer, to make him stop because if he doesn't _I_ will break down _again_, and just for once this shouldn't be about me. I have my hands in his hair, pressing his face into the crook of my neck, whispering in his ear. "I'm sorry, Xan. I should have told you a lot earlier. But it's okay now. Everything's gonna be okay now. I care for you, Xanas, I still do, everything's okay now."

He moves his head, and in the darkness our lips graze against each other's skin until he finds the right position to put his forehead against mine. His hands find my face and gently stroke both my cheeks. "Promise me never to let me let you go like this again. Promise me you won't tolerate it again if I choose to be like that. Please." His face is now so close to mine I can feel wetness on my cheeks. Or is it me who's crying?

"I… I do. I promise." He moves again, and it feels very much like there's a kiss to come now but out of reflex I turn my head to the side. I can't. And I don't want to. This whole kissing thing was what got us in this mess first. I don't want to gain a lover if that may mean that I lose a friend, as much as turning away from that possibility hurts. Besides… there's still this thing they call anti-frat regs. So his lips only find my cheek, and I really hope that this is enough for him.

He doesn't say anything but at least he doesn't try again. So I hug him again, let myself get lost in him. I guess it's true what they say: without being able to see every other sense becomes much more acute. I press my face to his left shoulder and his scent is nearly overwhelming me. He's buried one of his hands in my totally tangled up hair, and it feels so good there. His mouth is near my ear and I can feel his warm breath stirring the tiny hairs there. After moving my head a little I can hear his heart beat, a bit unsteady, but strong and healthy again, and I want to thank the Gods on my knees for that. For a second or two I seriously contemplate revising my decision. But then I remember how much it hurt seeing him in that foxhole on Naboo. Being actually involved with him… wouldn't that multiply the hurt?

I sigh. After the onslaught of emotions I feel seriously drained and I'm positive Xanas feels the same, so I gently drag us down on my cot. Without a word he lets me guide his head down in my lap when I sit down with my back to the wall. For a while the only thing I do is rub his arm or stroke his forehead, but just when I think he's finally asleep he speaks up again. "Heard you had some kind of row with Nalan."

Alright. _This_ is the last thing I expected to hear right now. I mean… What the fuck? Argh. I'll _never_ understand this guy. I swear. Never ever. "Who told you that?" Ngh. I wish I could just stop with the suspicious undertone.

"Nalan himself. Came to sick bay, looking for you. Said he wanted to tell you Danna was leaving in a few hours but couldn't find you and you weren't answering your comm." Danna… oh no, I totally forgot about that. She'll _hate_ me for not saying good-bye. She'll… "Don't worry, Jen. They all know you've been through a lot and we agreed on letting you sleep. I saw Danna off and she gave me a letter for you. Everything's okay." I feel him turn around on his back. After feeling around a little he finds my hand across his chest and takes it. "Now, about the thing with Nalan…"

"Xanas, I don't want to talk about it. Seriously, I don't. That was between him and me, and we settled it. Everything okay again. No hard feelings, no cracks, everything shiny. I swear." He chuckles a little.

"I wasn't trying to interrogate you, stupid. I just wanted to say he still feels very sorry for what he said. By the way… what _did_ he say?" I take a deep breath and free my hand from his to settle it down on his shoulder.

"He just… he accused me of… not doing my job right and making the wrong decisions and whoring my way up the chain of command." The last bit comes out very quiet and in a kind of unintelligible rush, but for some reason, Xanas still hears it. In an instant his head isn't in my lap anymore and even trough the darkness I can feel him radiating off irritation and anger.

"How _dare_ he…"

"Xanas!" My tone is hard, nearly as hard as it used to be for the last few weeks. "Let me remind you of the simple fact that _you_ haven't been much better ever since we left Chandrila." For a few moments it's completely still in the room, only interrupted by our breathing. Okay. I've gone too far now. He'll jump up now and leave and never talk to me again. So much for my happy ending.

"As much as I hate to admit it: you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have… I'm… I guess… I guess it's better that I leave now." I grab into the dark blindly but manage to find something that feels like his forearm and grip it with as much force as I can muster up.

"No. We've done enough to each other already. Either we make it work again _now_ or we'll _never_ make it work again. Which one do you prefer?" Silence again. Then, a calloused hand is set upon my hand and gently pries it lose.

I hear him take in breath a few times before he finally answers, "I can't promise you we'll never fight again." I roll my eyes. As if I didn't know _that_. "I can't promise you I'll never be unfair again." Tell me something new. "I can't even promise you I won't try to kiss you again." Well, not that I'd mind… okay, alright, _of course_ I would mind that. "The only thing I can promise you is that you'll not get rid of me, whatever you or the Army or the whole universe try to do against this."

I'm only a few nanometers away from breaking out into hysterically relieved laughter, but I manage to stay calm. "I think I'm quite okay with that." From the way he's squeezing my hands I can tell that he also wants to break out into laughter but manages to hold back. "And now…" I lie down, dragging him with me so that he's lying with his back to the wall and I'm lying with my back to him, "I would very much like to take advantage of the last hours of uninterrupted sleep I'll be getting in the next ten years if you don't mind."

"Gladly," he just replies, puts one of his arms around my waist and pulls me towards him. I feel his lips just barely against the nape of my neck, but I don't protest. Suddenly his warm presence in my back feels as if it belongs right there and with a silent sigh I close my eyes.


End file.
